My Own Worst Enemy

I’m still having those thoughts.  Shocking.  It’s not going to get better.  Apparently, it could be biological.  I have all the reasons in the world to feel this way; my CF, my mom is dead, school sucks, etc etc.  When I feel sad or have thoughts of ending it I don’t think of any of those things.  I could be walking around campus and the thoughts creep up on me.  Maybe it is biological, my genetics are fucked anyways so it wouldn’t surprise me.  My therapist suggested medication.  I don’t like that idea, but maybe it’s necessary.  On top of all of this, me and my relationship problems aren’t getting better.  I thought we were supposed to be a team, but it’s clear we’re not.  He wants to go back home every weekend and I don’t.  It stresses me out and I don’t need it.  He doesn’t even ask me if I want to go home he just says he’s going and asks if I’m coming with him or not.  Either way is a lose-lose situation for me.   I go home and stress myself out or I stay in my apartment alone.  Alone with my thoughts.  My thoughts that consist of taking a handful of pills or taking my car and wrecking it into a tree, praying that will do the trick.  I often daydreaming about jumping off a cliff or my funeral.  I feel insane.  Like I’m losing myself, my mind.  I don’t know what to do anymore, about anything.

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