Lonely People

I’ve been off the IVs for a while and my PFTS (lung function) didn’t go up that much, I’m not where I should be.  I can tell though, I’m still coughing more than usual, but no fevers so I can’t complain.  In case you’re wondering I still haven’t gone to see a doctor about getting on meds.  I’m not sure why, it’ll probably help, but I don’t know I just don’t want to.  I have an appointment next week so we’ll see.  I probably will end up doing something because nothing else is helping.  I’m back at my childhood house watching my dads dog and it’s really hard being here.  The weather isn’t great and there’s nothing to do except to be alone with your thoughts.  If you’re like me, that’s scary.  It’s hard being here because my mom died in this house in the room next to where I am sitting.  Being here, especially alone, is a constant reminder of what is no longer.  It should be me and her going to the beach or spending way too much money while my step dad is off for work.  But it’s not.  It’s just me with my psychotic thoughts in a house with a lot of opportunities to act on those thoughts.   My birthday is in a few days, the big 2-1, and I hate that I feel this way.  I probably won’t go out, I just want to go back to my apartment and not have to deal with anybody.  The one thing I hate about coming back to my hometown is seeing everyone I know and the people here stress me out.  I can’t handle it.  Only a few more days and I’m out of here.  I hope.


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