I went to the doctor and she agreed that I should have medication to help with the way I’ve been feeling. Because I have Cystic Fibrosis I am on 20+ medications, one of them being a certain antibiotic that I am on every other month, (I’m on antibiotics 24/7, if not I will get fevers within two days), I can’t take any anti depression meds. Apparently, that one drug doesn’t mix well with literally any of the anti depressants on the market. Just my luck. Of course, I can’t stop taking that antibiotic because it is one of the very few (two to be exact) that actually work for me. I am screwed. SO, of course, things aren’t any better and I have no idea what to do next. Therapy I feel like isn’t working, but I’m still going regardless. I’ve been going to the gym so much that I feel like my legs are going to fall off. I read somewhere that going to the gym is supposed to help with getting happy. If someone out there has an suggestions please comment. Help a girl out.
Tomorrow I go to a family doctor to talk about what kind of meds to get on. I’m nervous and kind of scared honestly. I’ve never had to be on any kind of medication for depression/anxiety before and I’m still on the fence about it. The only thing that is making me do it is knowing it is best for me and the people around me. I don’t want to keep feeling this way anymore. Whatever medication they decide to put me on, I hope it works. I’m afraid that it will do more damage than good. I also don’t like the thought of myself going to a doctor I’ve never met and telling her everything, but I have to.
A week ago I started feeling awful (CF wise) so I just started IV antibiotics last night, hopefully, I will start feeling better soon. I’m doing them at home for two weeks. I had a fever today and was drenched in sweat as I was talking with my therapist. Disgusting, I know. The CF walk is Saturday so I should start feeling better by then. I am so tired and it’s only day one of IVs. Mentally I’m still the same. I think I will be going on meds for this at some point. I was going to before, but then I got sick. When I get feeling better I am going to the health center to try something, maybe it will help. We will see.
I’ve been seeing someone and I don’t think it’s been that helpful…yet. I’m still going, I’m not giving up. My boyfriend has moved in, the job interview out of state, he went to, but they never called him back. I should be happy that he’s living with me now, but I’m not. I’m still feeling down and having thoughts of potentially hurting myself. Not only that, I just don’t know about my relationship with my boyfriend anymore. Is he living here because it’s convenient? Or is he here because he wants to be? I don’t want to be someone’s backup plan, I want to be their first choice. I feel like I’m never gonna be happy again, I haven’t felt legitimately happy in what seems like forever.
Everything is falling apart. I decided about a week ago to start seeing someone. I told him everything that has happened to me within the past year and it seemed that it might be too much for him. You know that’s when you’ve had it rough is when a therapist is distraught about your problems. I went last Wednesday and my boyfriend decided to tell me on Friday that after having this plan of us living together for a year might be coming to an end. He decided to apply for a job five hours away. I’m stuck with a year lease on an apartment having to pay rent all on my own if he gets the job. He didn’t discuss it with me first either. He applied, scheduled an interview, and booked a hotel for tomorrow. I don’t think I’ve never been so hurt in my life, betrayed even. I told him everything I’ve been going through, even having thoughts of hurting myself and then he does this at a time when I need him the most.
Things like this make me question everything. Why am I in school, why am I wasting my time, why am I even here, alive? What’s the point if every time something remotely good happens I got slapped in the face ten times harder? I give up.
This is my first blog post. No, I won’t tell you my name because I want to keep things anonymous and since it’s my blog I can do that. I’m a sophomore in college suffering a touch of depression and am dying like the rest of you, just at a fast pace is all. I have a chronic illness known as Cystic Fibrosis and if you’re curious to what that is then google it because I’m sick of explaining over and over again my slightly rare genetic misfortune. If you choose to read this blog it will mainly be about school, my thoughts and feeling (yuck), and probably my mucus-filled lungs. Enjoy.