I went to the doctor and she agreed that I should have medication to help with the way I’ve been feeling. Because I have Cystic Fibrosis I am on 20+ medications, one of them being a certain antibiotic that I am on every other month, (I’m on antibiotics 24/7, if not I will get fevers within two days), I can’t take any anti depression meds. Apparently, that one drug doesn’t mix well with literally any of the anti depressants on the market. Just my luck. Of course, I can’t stop taking that antibiotic because it is one of the very few (two to be exact) that actually work for me. I am screwed. SO, of course, things aren’t any better and I have no idea what to do next. Therapy I feel like isn’t working, but I’m still going regardless. I’ve been going to the gym so much that I feel like my legs are going to fall off. I read somewhere that going to the gym is supposed to help with getting happy. If someone out there has an suggestions please comment. Help a girl out.
Tomorrow I go to a family doctor to talk about what kind of meds to get on. I’m nervous and kind of scared honestly. I’ve never had to be on any kind of medication for depression/anxiety before and I’m still on the fence about it. The only thing that is making me do it is knowing it is best for me and the people around me. I don’t want to keep feeling this way anymore. Whatever medication they decide to put me on, I hope it works. I’m afraid that it will do more damage than good. I also don’t like the thought of myself going to a doctor I’ve never met and telling her everything, but I have to.
I’ve been off the IVs for a while and my PFTS (lung function) didn’t go up that much, I’m not where I should be. I can tell though, I’m still coughing more than usual, but no fevers so I can’t complain. In case you’re wondering I still haven’t gone to see a doctor about getting on meds. I’m not sure why, it’ll probably help, but I don’t know I just don’t want to. I have an appointment next week so we’ll see. I probably will end up doing something because nothing else is helping. I’m back at my childhood house watching my dads dog and it’s really hard being here. The weather isn’t great and there’s nothing to do except to be alone with your thoughts. If you’re like me, that’s scary. It’s hard being here because my mom died in this house in the room next to where I am sitting. Being here, especially alone, is a constant reminder of what is no longer. It should be me and her going to the beach or spending way too much money while my step dad is off for work. But it’s not. It’s just me with my psychotic thoughts in a house with a lot of opportunities to act on those thoughts. My birthday is in a few days, the big 2-1, and I hate that I feel this way. I probably won’t go out, I just want to go back to my apartment and not have to deal with anybody. The one thing I hate about coming back to my hometown is seeing everyone I know and the people here stress me out. I can’t handle it. Only a few more days and I’m out of here. I hope.
A week ago I started feeling awful (CF wise) so I just started IV antibiotics last night, hopefully, I will start feeling better soon. I’m doing them at home for two weeks. I had a fever today and was drenched in sweat as I was talking with my therapist. Disgusting, I know. The CF walk is Saturday so I should start feeling better by then. I am so tired and it’s only day one of IVs. Mentally I’m still the same. I think I will be going on meds for this at some point. I was going to before, but then I got sick. When I get feeling better I am going to the health center to try something, maybe it will help. We will see.
Yesterday was the closest I’ve ever been to calling it quits. I can’t explain what all I’m feeling. When I try to explain to my boyfriend what is going on in my head, it doesn’t make sense. Of course it doesn’t make sense to someone else when I can’t even make sense of it. I am lost and numb. I don’t care anymore, about anything. I don’t know how I can keep living like this, being miserable every day. I see no point anymore. I’m sorry if you’re reading this and it’s bringing you down when you googled something completely different and uplifting, but this is where I can put all my thoughts out there; without ever having to be embarrassed by what people may think. I don’t know what to do anymore. Therapy isn’t helping, nothing’s helping.
I’ve been seeing someone and I don’t think it’s been that helpful…yet. I’m still going, I’m not giving up. My boyfriend has moved in, the job interview out of state, he went to, but they never called him back. I should be happy that he’s living with me now, but I’m not. I’m still feeling down and having thoughts of potentially hurting myself. Not only that, I just don’t know about my relationship with my boyfriend anymore. Is he living here because it’s convenient? Or is he here because he wants to be? I don’t want to be someone’s backup plan, I want to be their first choice. I feel like I’m never gonna be happy again, I haven’t felt legitimately happy in what seems like forever.
This is my first blog post. No, I won’t tell you my name because I want to keep things anonymous and since it’s my blog I can do that. I’m a sophomore in college suffering a touch of depression and am dying like the rest of you, just at a fast pace is all. I have a chronic illness known as Cystic Fibrosis and if you’re curious to what that is then google it because I’m sick of explaining over and over again my slightly rare genetic misfortune. If you choose to read this blog it will mainly be about school, my thoughts and feeling (yuck), and probably my mucus-filled lungs. Enjoy.