A week ago I started feeling awful (CF wise) so I just started IV antibiotics last night, hopefully, I will start feeling better soon. I’m doing them at home for two weeks. I had a fever today and was drenched in sweat as I was talking with my therapist. Disgusting, I know. The CF walk is Saturday so I should start feeling better by then. I am so tired and it’s only day one of IVs. Mentally I’m still the same. I think I will be going on meds for this at some point. I was going to before, but then I got sick. When I get feeling better I am going to the health center to try something, maybe it will help. We will see.
I’m still having those thoughts. Shocking. It’s not going to get better. Apparently, it could be biological. I have all the reasons in the world to feel this way; my CF, my mom is dead, school sucks, etc etc. When I feel sad or have thoughts of ending it I don’t think of any of those things. I could be walking around campus and the thoughts creep up on me. Maybe it is biological, my genetics are fucked anyways so it wouldn’t surprise me. My therapist suggested medication. I don’t like that idea, but maybe it’s necessary. On top of all of this, me and my relationship problems aren’t getting better. I thought we were supposed to be a team, but it’s clear we’re not. He wants to go back home every weekend and I don’t. It stresses me out and I don’t need it. He doesn’t even ask me if I want to go home he just says he’s going and asks if I’m coming with him or not. Either way is a lose-lose situation for me. I go home and stress myself out or I stay in my apartment alone. Alone with my thoughts. My thoughts that consist of taking a handful of pills or taking my car and wrecking it into a tree, praying that will do the trick. I often daydreaming about jumping off a cliff or my funeral. I feel insane. Like I’m losing myself, my mind. I don’t know what to do anymore, about anything.
This is my first blog post. No, I won’t tell you my name because I want to keep things anonymous and since it’s my blog I can do that. I’m a sophomore in college suffering a touch of depression and am dying like the rest of you, just at a fast pace is all. I have a chronic illness known as Cystic Fibrosis and if you’re curious to what that is then google it because I’m sick of explaining over and over again my slightly rare genetic misfortune. If you choose to read this blog it will mainly be about school, my thoughts and feeling (yuck), and probably my mucus-filled lungs. Enjoy.